Happy Caturday!
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*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*