Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
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Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
cats when you pet them too long:
San Francisco has too many rules
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Storm Tropical Storm
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron