HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
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Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!