Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
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“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.