Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
You Might Also Like
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.