Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@kirstiealley

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

@CherBear162

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

@rad_milk

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

@alli_win

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

@JasonLastname

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

@GrantTanaka

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

@noog

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

@Sinj1

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

@chimneyspotter

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

@ggooooddddoogg

new shirt idea