Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
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“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Basically.