Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
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I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing