Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
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[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
True?
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
#Caturday
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda