@GabbbarSingh
@prescotttyler If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
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@prescotttyler 
@pleatedjeans [Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
@dshack8 Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
@clichedout They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
@ThisOneSayz Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
@Peteypops13 I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
@Mom_Overboard [taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
@Strippers_Diary “Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
@mattsurely My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
@a_simpl_man Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me: