@Mr_Mike_Clarke

Happy Thanksgiving

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@CaucasianJames

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

@Fred_Delicious

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”

“piles of health that is! LOL”

“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

@iwearaonesie

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

@carlyken

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

@deardilettante

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

@Bownuggets

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

@ZachNoeTowers

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

@lincnotfound

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

@Kyle_Raney

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

@noog

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.