marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
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“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
“piles of health that is! LOL”
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.