Happy Thanksgiving
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A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
next question.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy