Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
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My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.