Happy thanksgiving!
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
San Francisco has too many rules
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Well well well…
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I have a new favorite meme page
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.