Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
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interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
😂💯
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.