Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
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succession but with mickey mouse and friends
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Birds & Planes.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
plums roundup
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.