Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
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My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
bad news gang
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf