Happy weekend !
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[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
i wish we could shoplift online
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer