Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
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I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude