Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
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date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.