Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
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“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
[loses house key, starts a new life]
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.