@fowlerism

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

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@TheCatWhisprer

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

@Marlebean

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

@Milo_Edwards

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

@TheCiscoKidder

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

@kivtur

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.