[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
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I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.