No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
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“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.