Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
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What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.