Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
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I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
More like Kate Missington.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.