HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
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Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I’m calling the cops.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”