HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
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With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”