Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
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Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston