HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
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Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
multitasking lunch
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit