harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car