Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
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The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
when dads have a rap battle
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.