Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
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wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me