@ChicksRule

Harsh but fair

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@badbanana

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

@starbangbandit

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

@BuckyIsotope

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

@JCWisdomNuggets

“Paper or pl..”

..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…

“I’m not saying ‘me'”

ME! OMG we did it again!

“…”

@SortaBad

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

@pizzajaynow

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

@honeybadgerMel

Yes…

I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…

@CuddleYourCat

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

@trevso_electric

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.