Harsh but fair

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Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.


Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.


Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*


“Paper or pl..”

..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…

“I’m not saying ‘me'”

ME! OMG we did it again!



Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute


If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”



I retweet.

Isn’t that kinda the point?

Spread the love and shit?

Mostly shit…

But that’s your fault…


The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .


I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.