Harsh but fair

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Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce


Executioner: final words?
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.


I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on


In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.


Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.


The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…


This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font


Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.


“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases


*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?