Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
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this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
My teenage children choosing violence
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.