Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
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Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Yup!
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
LOL!
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.