Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
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My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.