Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
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[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Thinking about Jeff
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
How actors in movies eat their food
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*