Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

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*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly


*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again


I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.


I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.


Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.


“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”


Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”


Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine


Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around


Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.