Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
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Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?