@MadamBetteNoire

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

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@leapeajo

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

@mattZillaaaa

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

@Rollinintheseat

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

@Marlebean

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

@Fred_Delicious

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

@SoVeryBritish

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

@LeaMehanna

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

@Trisarahjtops

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

@WilliamAder

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.