has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

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Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”


Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.


My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.


*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*


“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”


Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.


Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.


Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words


The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”