has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
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I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
i smell a pulitzer
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.