@bocxtop

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

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@sweetmomissa

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

@PaulyPeligroso

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

@peachontwitta

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

@RunOldMan

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

@AndyRichter

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

@Dani_Feld

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

@WilliamAder

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

@AndyAsAdjective

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent