Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
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invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Meowchelangelo
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life