Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
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First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
wtf is a larm clock?
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.