Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
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At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco