has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
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Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
birds and squirrels envy us
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
More like Kate Missington.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
This bar smells like my childhood.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered