*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
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Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
The fall of Netflix
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
These work great until they don’t.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
oh shit