* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
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If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes