@Shade510

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

You Might Also Like

@Holy_Mowgli

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

@Try2StopME

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

@wittwitbarista

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

@LlamaInaTux

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

@Pandamoanimum

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

@SaxMouse

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

@ArfMeasures

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

@schumoo

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

@StephenAtHome

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.