* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

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[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light


I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.


Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.


Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]


7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.


I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”


TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger


Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house


Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.