(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
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I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Nice try, poison.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016