has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
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This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
#inspiration #foodforthought
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Note to self: always read the final line
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.