*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
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Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.