@noog
@Harbinger_one This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
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@Harbinger_one 
@NewDadNotes Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
@OlanDevine “Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
@AnissaClingman When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
@PopeAwesomeXIII 2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
@SvnSxty Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
@goldengateblond “We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
@NeilBensch Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
@erikbransteen Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
@BreakingNews Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead