*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

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This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now


Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.


“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.


When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?


Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:


“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower


Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!


Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.


Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead