@noog

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

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@joeljeffrey

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

@TheAndrewNadeau

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

@ArtIsMyPorn

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

@MomOnFire

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

@ilovepie84

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

@TheNardvark

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

@NolaChef504

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

@theshantilly

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

@SamGirlSunday

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

@xlpaws

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.