@noog

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

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@Harbinger_one

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

@NewDadNotes

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

@OlanDevine

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

@AnissaClingman

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

@SvnSxty

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

@goldengateblond

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

@NeilBensch

Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!

@erikbransteen

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

@BreakingNews

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead