Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
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A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
me: my friends:
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me