Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
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Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I just love that new Pope smell.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.