“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
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A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Seems legit
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction