Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
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“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.