Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

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My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.


Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.


If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.


If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”


Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.


You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks


I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.


judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God


Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.