@lindseyallen

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

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@AnniemuMary

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

@Tmoney68

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

@Triballistix

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

@LizHackett

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

@fignhoney

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

@debon7

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

@4SLars

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

@EJGomez

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

@smerobin

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.